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thedreaminghawk
Thu May 20 21 08:57pm
Rating: 3 (Updated 2 times)

I woke up this morning and jolted out of bed when I saw the update, then read it, was very nervous and couldn't describe how to reply, so I sat on it all day at work.

As a person who has suffered from his own violent trauma for the past 16 years, I wasn't sure how to reply without coming off as insensitive or bad, especially considering the fact I don't even know the full story of what happened, and it sounds like it's arguably worse than what happened to me, which makes me all the more relieved you're OK.

The key takeaway before anything else I say should be that I do not mind at all if GN retires with nobody else taking over, or if GN is handed off to another admin/mod/writer, since the priority should be your mental health first and foremost. I don't know if you saw my comments worried about the lack of updates in two months, but let me be clear, that wasn't due to me lacking the usual news: that was me being worried sick about something happening to you. I feel a lot better now, but also arguably more scared and nervous, due to the fact that I can't imagine the idea of what it would take for someone like you to be feeling this way: for the length I've been here (2013), I've learned how nice of a person you are and how you always try to help out whenever possible, no matter how rude someone may be towards you, so for whatever to hurt you so much, would have been a major calamity that honestly I'm again, glad you're out of now, but it's still terrifying to even think about what might have happened. The trauma is almost certainly more severe than anything people here are guessing (Which you guys really shouldn't be, due to RMC saying himself how touchy of a subject and how hard it was for him to even write this up), which may make what I'm about to say seem pretty worthless or not helpful, but I feel I might as well.

Trigger Warning below: assault, abuse, attempted murder, etc, RMC and others who need to can stop reading here.

Around 16 years ago, in 2005, I was seven years old growing up with my mother, and her live-in boyfriend. This boyfriend was a complete demon of a person, and did so many unspeakable acts to me that I can't even name them all without going into very scary nightmares or flashbacks. He's been dead for years yet I still have trauma and tons of phobias birthed from the horrific things he did to me and my body. To keep it blunt and vague, one time I was violated, taken to an isolated apartment with no idea what was going on, and nearly smothered to death. Then several other times, I almost died due to physical confrontations, before it ended in a horrifying manner that stemmed from a home invasion.

Let's just say that ever since, I've still had tons of horrendous nightmares and fears of break-ins and dangerous situations, and I honestly feel it's a miracle me and my mom survived. (A hero relative who lived with us called 911 after telling him it was a "pizza call", and somehow de-escalated it a bit by preparing everyone for pizza) But the trauma of near-death has scarred me ever since. Stuff like apartment living scares me to this day, making independent moveouts a tough concept for me, and some of the stuff I was exposed to in the form of violent horror movies have left such a bad wreck on my mental state, one I can literally never name ever due to flashbacks, that I still have nightmares about the movie despite being an adult.

For years I had to see therapy over it, but I didn't even know I needed it until I was closer to being a teenager, all I know is I just had tons of outbursts and the littlest sign of an injury would make me burst out into terrified tears. The therapy helped me tremendously, but even with it I've had periods of extreme fear, especially a phobia of death that was caused by the trauma, unfortunately. That will never go away, and will be a lifelong problem for me until the end of time. But i've made so many new, great friends, and done so much great things, that it's the motivation for me to keep pushing myself to go out and do things for my website and in general, despite the many days I have nightmares or my extreme fear of death come back. Seventeen years later, and it's still tough.

I don't know what exactly happened on your end, but from what I'm reading, it definitely sounds like something that'll take the same long journey with therapy and help from friends to deal with, and I honestly again, do not blame you for needing to spend as long as you need in order to get your mental health and well being in gear. No matter how long it takes, I'll always support you, especially since your site, members, and staff (special shoutout to cort) have gotten me through many MANY rough nights in my life. Whatever the future holds, take care and stay safe, including everyone reading my comment. Thank you all.

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