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I can't even begin to imagine what you've had to go through. I'm so sorry... :'(
I can only offer you my sympathy, and whatever it's worth to you I have prayed for you. There's hope and consolation in Christ... The gospel message gave me peace when my mother died in 2019 and Jesus continues to carry me daily through thick and thin.
I hope that some day you'll be able to get back to doing what you loved so much.